If I die before I wake, take my soul down to the lake

Jeffrey Clites Johnson:

I miss you right now more than you could have ever known even as your body still drew breath, and now that your body is but a set of empty clothing, I wonder if you could ever know.

Fuck. Losing you is so indescribable; you have served to highlight what I failed to appreciate and understand. I asked Unicorn to marry me one more time after returning from California, and was on the 12th hour of the 15 hour drive when in southern Oregon I heard you were missing.

Of course, things never turn out the way we expect, but it seems that to be careful what you wish for leads to unfond regrets.

As for you, my friend who didn't know how much he was and is loved; Jeffrey Johnson: you teach me to appreciate every little thing, because it will be gone: impermanence is the only thing we can count on. I lose you, as I lose others...I undoubtedly make new acquaintances, but I am tired of letting go, and there are things I seem to lack the power to let go of.

I love you, Jeff Johnson, and I can regret not doing more all I want, and probably will continue to despite the best logic telling me to do otherwise, but I want instead to spend my life giving the best I can. I will slip up, I will fuck up, I will take steps backward before moving sideways before taking quantum leaps, and I will live.

For the sake of the love I bear you, I will live.